Fairy Tales-S01E02 "Cinderella"
Yes, yes, I'm here on sabbatical
while I research my new book on Stone Age mating rituals.
Yes, I thought that might appeal to Cosmo's readers.
Well, here's something else for you.
Since my last book...
0h, thank you very much, that's very kind.
Since my last book proved beyond doubt
that men are the prime motivators of human evolution,
I thought I'd give ladies a chance to come back at me.
So, I'm looking for a female assistant
to accompany me on my next trip to Borneo.
You see, my basic theory is justified
because a representation of maleness was universally worshipped by Stone Age society.
Well, let me describe it to you.
It's about four or five inches long, very hard. It's shiny.
It's called the Aurignacian Phallus.
Yes, it certainly is.
Damned impressive.
- Oh, my God. Are you OK? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Not you. I saw what happened. You ran straight into her.
- Well, it was six of one. - If you need a witness...
She d0esn't nee witne
what are you a lawyer?
Actually, I'm a professor.
Oh, right. So you're allowed to know people over?
I'm sorry, I wasjust... It was totally my fault.
No, it was my fault, Professor.
Thanks for your help.
That's bollocks.
What my book is basically saying is that the male of our species
was the prime motivator of human evolution.
That's why our first object of worship was this...
it's the Aurignacian Phallus.
- Do you want to hold it? - Mike!
Lottie.
Lottie, Lottie, Lottie. Come here.
Sorry, a bit sweaty.
0f course. How was your commute?
- Great! Apart from crashing into one of the students. - 0h, no!
It's all right, I'm fine.
So, have you met him yet?
No, but Seeta saw him in the canteen and she says he's absolutely gorgeous.
- Morning. - All right?
Hello, Alice. Hello!
0h, just wait till I show him my thesis.
Well, wait till I show him mine.
It's not really yours though, is it?
I mean, you just cut and pasted it off the internet.
HM Prince is the hottest, sexiest, brightest thing to hit anthropology since...
Ever. I think it's going to take a bit more than that to catch his eye.
Maybe I'll include a photo.
- Did you say HM Prince? - What?
- Professor H Michael Prince? - Yes.
I've just read his book.
Congratulations!
Professor Mike Prince. Even his name is sexy.
Well, maybe he appreciates a beautiful mind.
Don't get your hopes up, sweetie.
There can only be one winner of this contest and that's me.
What contest?
Professor Prince wants a research assistant for his next project.
In Borneo.
And here's the best bit, it has to be a woman.
What? Why?
Because he...
Haven't you got. .. bits and bobs to be cleaning?
And could you make sure you do the ladies loos when you're finished?
There is a terrible smell in there.
You've become so famous recently.
0h, I wouldn't say that.
I've been famous for quite a while.
The university has already managed to attract
funding from a major international benefactor on the strength of your name alone
He's a Russian oil baron
who wants to establish his name in something more...
- Legal? - Prestigious.
Your official title is the Boris Aaronovsky Visiting Professor of Archaeology.
Right.
I'm not teaching, though, am I?
0h, God, absolutely not.
- No staff meetings... - No way.
Good. I'm just here to work on my new book.
Sure. That's understood.
- No distractions. - Absolutely not.
0f course, there's the lecture on Saturday.
What?
- Your inaugural lecture. - Lottie!
The top universities from around the world are all sending their best people.
Every big name in palaeoanthropology is coming to see us.
To see you.
All the top universities?
I suppose it would be the international community's seal of approval for my theory
Exactly.
cementing my academic legacy.
Why shouldn't I apply for the job?
They don't give jobs like that to folks like us, darling.
You need qualifications and letters after your name.
What?
Like those two in there you mean?
How came you're so interested in all those old bones?
Well, when I was a little girl, my mum and dad saved up
and took me on safari to the Great Rift Valley in Kenya.
Apparently, there was a accident.
I was too young to remember, but they were both killed.
I was found by some Masai hunters.
They adopted me and brought me up as their own.
We lived near Lake Turkana where Richard Leakey discovered
the skeleton of the earliest form of human.
I grew up in the birthplace of mankind
and it's been in my blood ever since.
Really?
No, course not.
We watch too much telly.
I like the Discovery channel.
If I could just talk to this Prince guy.
Oh, I'm so excited!
A ball! Phoebes, a ball?!
It's not a ball.
Yeah, but it says B-A...
It's not a ball, it's a lecture.
Stick him over there, would you?
Now you'll be meeting Professor Prince
at his welcome party tonight, so try not to say anything stupid.
- I hardly think... - I wasn't talking to you.
So this is like a big do then, tonight? LIKE a ball?
No. It'sjust a little drinks party to welcome the professor.
This is a drinks party and the thing on Saturday is a lecture.
Right. So when is the ball?
There's no ball. Give me strength.
Listen, this man is the future of my department. So...
get in his face, laugh at his jokes, and for G0d's sake try to look attractive.
I always look attractive.
I wasn't talking to you.
Now I know that Doctor Wolf here, doesn't agree with me.
No, no. In my view, we simply outran the Neanderthaler.
OK. Let's talk about my second favourite organ, the brain.
This is Neanderthal's brain before The Great Leap Forward.
Big, but not huge.
This is Homo sapiens' brain after the Great Leap Forward.
Now, I think you'll agree, that's a big difference.
Especially, when you consider the brain is the hungriest of all the organs.
To grow a big brain you need a hell of a lot of energy.
Best source of energy? Protein.
What's the biggest source of protein available to Stone Age man?
Meat.
For Homo sapiens' brain to out-evolve Neanderthal's,
he had to eat plenty of this stuff.
All he had to do...
was catch it!
What do you think, Vice Chancellor? He's good, isn't he?
Well, he certainly grabs the attention in an unconventional sort of way.
He's not going to do anything too unpredictable, is he?
Oh, no, he'll be fine.
Because Mr Aaronovsky doesn't like surprises.
I thought the money was in the bag?
Well, almost.
He's presenting the cheque after Prince's lecture.
But...
Well, I think it's only natural that he should be, er...
sure that he's getting value for his millions, don't you?
Hi, Mike! Can I introduce two of my PhD students?
Phoebe, Fenola, this is Professor Michael Prince.
- Hi. - Hi.
So, how do you know Professor Brooks?
0h. Lottie and I go way back.
She was my first supervisor, oh, it must be aeons ago.
It's not that long ago.
I was a callow undergraduate fresh out of school and she was just a lecturer.
Hard to imagine now.
We've come a long way since. Well, I have.
We are all very excited about your new assistant post.
Yeah. I'm particularly excited.
Do you have anyone in mind?
No, no. It's a genuine competition.
You know, interview all the applicants and pick the best candidate.
Interview?
0f course, yes. But...
both Phoebe and Fenola have excellent academic records.
They're obviously the best candidates.
0h, I'm sure, I'm sure. But there's more to it than that.
To be a great scientist, you need passion and hunger,
an inquiring mind and a thirst for knowledge.
Not forget, Einstein was a lowly patent clerk when he came up with special relativity.
Not that I'm expecting to discover a new Einstein.
What's a patent clerk?
Could you take some drinks to the other side of the room?
Now.
Yeah, right. This side.
Extraordinary.
Phoebes.
Which do you think?
For the B-A-double-L?
Which one says Professor Prince's Research Assistant?
You don't know you'll get it.
0f course I'll get it.
He's not going to want to spend five years in the wilds of Borneo with a minger, is he?
Oh, babes, no offence.
Maybe, and I know this is a crazy idea, but, you know, maybe
he will choose the woman with the most to offer palaeoanthropology.
Hmm, yah, maybe.
Asif...!Come on, Phoebes, let's go. I've got to buy shoes to go with these.
Yah, can you be careful when you're cleaning. I don't want those dresses creased.
- Yeah. - OK?
- Erm...I... - Yes?
I was wondering, um, you know this. .. assistant job
- with Professor Prince? - Yeah.
Well, I was thinking of applying it for myself and, um...
Well, I need to do some more reading and I can't and
maybe you two could get some books out the library for me?
Look, I don't like to ask, but...
Sorry.You're going to apply for the job?
- Well, I haven't done it yet, but... - Tell me, what did you think
of Prince's theory that men were the prime motivators of human evolution?
Well, I'm not an expert like you. ..
but what I think he's saying is that the... Homo sapiens' survival as a species
is due entirely to the superior hunting skills of its males.
And the corresponding decline in the Neanderthal population...
- is also... - Yes, well, that's all very interesting,
but as I'm sure you're aware,
we're strictly forbidden from taking out books for other people.
Particularly non faculty members.
God help us if they found us giving taking books out for cleaners!
Come on, Phoebes.
She won't miss it. She never bloody uses it.
Hello? Anybody in?
0h, hi. Oh, it's you again.
I'm looking for Tweedy's Ascent 0f Man. Have you got a copy?
Habla ingles?
- You're Professor Prince. - Yeah.
- I've read your book. - That's nice.
- Ascent 0f Man? - Oh, yes. I'm sorry, I'm not actually...
Um, I don't usually work in this section.
It must be somewhere. This place is full of books.
-Actually,um..I wanted to ask you something. -Yeah, sure.
- Who's it to? - What?
- The autograph. Who's it for? - Right. No, no.
Actually, what I wanted to ask was... Well, you know in your book?
Well, I just wondered why you didn't, you know, you didn't consider the effect of
of language.
I mean, what you're saying about men and hunting, I mean hey, hey,
it's good and everything,but, um, well, it seems to me that, well...
Do you not think there is something to be said, well, I mean...
mainly in the terms of the linguistic factor?
See, I'lI just think maybe there's a big...language thing.
Actually, I've written something down about it.
Look, you're... You're a nice person, I can see that.
And I'm sure you've written a very nice little...you know, whatever,
but the thing is, I'm actually quite busy right now
preparing a lecture on my phenomenally successful and prize-winning thesis.
- OK? - Right.
- I just thought... - Will you just get me the book, please?
- Yup. - Thank you.
Well, well, well... if it isn't Mike Prince.
-Fancy meeting you here. -Well,I do still read books now and again.
0h. I thought you had people to do that for you.
- Yeah, well, I like to keep my hand in. - They're quite big, aren't they?
- I love big hands. - Thank you. I'm quite attached to them.
Seriously, though...I was just so fascinated to hear about your Borneo project.
I hope you've got your application in.
I'm looking forward to seeing what you've got at the interview.
0h, I think I'll have something to show you before then.
You're going to have some stiff competition.
0h, the stiffer the better.
- I've been inundated with applications. - Fancy.
Even the librarian just tried to hand me something.
- The librarian? - Yeah, she...
Oh, she's disappeared now.
The librarian is a man.
- Hi. - That's her.
That? That's not the librarian.
- That's the cleaner. - A cleaner?
So, um... this is what?
Some sort of critique on my prize-winning book?
Your prize-winning, but wrong book...
- Wrong?! - Yeah. This proves it.
OK, love, whatever you say.
Don't patronise me, you self-obsessed, pompous pillock.
- Pillock? - Yeah.
- Pillock. - Well,
I'm sorry if I sound patronising, but I think that maybe,
just maybe, you're the one that's wrong,
given that I'm generally regarded as the world's leading authority on the subject
and you...Well, you're not.
I'd give it to him myself, but I don't think... Well,
I thinkl might have made a bad impression. Especially when I called him a pillock.
- You wrote this? - Yeah.
I mean, no-one helped you?
I just want the opportunity to show what I could really do.
I thought, maybe, ifl entered the competition, you know, for Professor Prince's assistant?
Well, we'll be short-listing in the next day or so,
so we'll take a proper look at this and let you know.
Thanks. That's great. Thank you.
- Well, I better, um... - OK.
Well, Mike.
- How's the car? Cost a bundle. - It's all right.
Right, well, some people I want you to meet.
Right, Mike, this is our marketing and PR team.
- Hi, Mike. - Hi there.
They've been instrumental in getting Aaronovsky to commit the funds.
Right, I see.
We're all very excited about the lecture. Great honour for the university, of course.
Loads of media attention.
I hope I'll be able to live up to the hype.
0f course you will.
I don't mind telling you this is really going to put us on the media map.
Interviews, articles maybe even a TV series? You're going to be a very busy young man.
I'll be doing some research, too, I imagine.
Well, there'll still be time for some academic work
as there should be in any top level university.
- Excuse me - Excuse me.
Yes!
What? It's going to put us on the media map.
- He can't hear you. - I know.
Papier-mache ears, eh?
Yeah. Plus, um, he never really developed language, did he?
Are you really a cleaner, or is this another of your disguises?
What do you care?
Well, I think if we're going to spend so much time together
we should at least be honest with each other.
I'm really a cleaner.
A cleaner who reads palaeoanthropology?
You got a problem with that?
You thinke I'll should be reading OK! or The News 0f The World?
0h, no, of course, that's not what I'm saying.
So, a cleaner who reads palaeoanthropology, it is.
- And what brought you here? - Came over on the ferry.
You know what I meant.
Came to live with this fella and, um, turned out he didn't want to live with me.
Ah, well, these things usually turn out for the best, eh?
- What about you? - Well, haven't you heard?
The department had an opening for a pompous, self-obsessed, pillock, so
- here I am. - I'm sorry about that.
What's that?
Looks like a Neanderthal spearhead.
They used a prepared core technique to make them.
Feel that. Go on.
- Wow. - Sharp, isn't it?
The thing is, they never developed projectile weapons.
Axes, spearheads like that for stabbing, but no arrows, javelins.
Not until homo sapiens came along.
So this is what, like, 40,000 years old?
Something like that, yeah.
- You smelling bleach? - Sorry.
- Occupational hazard. - No, I like it.
Hey, you know what, you should enter this competition I'm running.
- I know about your competition. - So have you?
- And did I? - Nope?
- I'm sorry. I... - No
We're just discussing the research assistant post.
I should go.
-Come for an interview. Tomorrow morning. -That's. ..
I can't bel... Um...
Thank you so much. You won't regret this. I promise, sir.
Thank you.
- That's all right, isn't it? - 0f course it is!
- Yeah. It's second on the right. - Thanks.
Phoebe.
- Well done. - Was I OK?
Very good.
Professor Prince was particularly impressed by your fulsome praise for his book.
So?
So, that's that then.
sorry. What about my interview?
- What interview? - Um...he promised me an interview.
I don't think so.
This is wrong.
You silly little girl.
Did you imagine in your wildest dreams that he'd offer a major academic post to someone like you?
Look at you.
You don't have even the basic qualifications.
You don't possess the vocabulary to defend the simplest of scientific propositions,
and you think you can march in and tell one of the finest brains of his generation that he's wrong
and be welcomed with open arms?
Come on, out you go. You don't belong here.
Now hang on. This is bollocks.
I know quite a lot, as it goes. I've read loads of books.
I've read pretty much everything
n the whole ofthe palaeoanthropology section ofthe library. Look. ..
I see.
You do know that only university members can use the library?
My library card.
Do you have any explanation for this?
I, um...
It's, um...
No.
-Where's Prof. Prince?I want him to tell me himself. -I don't think so.
Look, I don't mind cleaners reading books, really I don't,
but when they start to steal university property, then I have to intervene.
You're fired.
If you're not off the premises in 15 minutes, I'm calling the police.
Got to go.
- Is that everyone? - Yes.
Were you expecting anyone else?
Not really...
Well, you know, that
funny girl from yesterday, the cleaner.
No, she was quite bright, and, you know,
really keen.
- I thought she might show up. - Well, cleaners can be a bit flaky.
If they weren't flaky, they wouldn't be cleaners, would they?
I think it's probably for the best, don't you?
There are millions of pounds' worth of funding riding on this evening.
If you stand up and announce you're taking a cleaner with you to Borneo,
we'll be the laughing stock of the international academic community.
YOU'll be the laughing stock of the international academic community
So that's it? You're giving up.
What's the point? The whole system's stacked against me.
I was never going to get that job, was I?
Look at me.
You need to get some fire in your belly, girl.
0h, I've got fire in my belly, don't worry about that.
It's not about having fire in your belly.
I'm talking about a fearsome fire, that comes from deep in your guts,
fire that burns night and day, makes you mad like a yard dog on a rope
chewing his own tail off cos he can't chew nobody else.
- You got that kind of fire, lady? - Possibly.
Without that fire, you go nowhere, girl.
You got to have the fire. I've got the fire!
don't want to hear your crying and your whinging now.
You telling me men are only interested in themselves, like that's a piece of news?
Wake up, sister! Women have known that for thousands of years.
You don't get nothing from a man by telling him he's wrong.
You want this fool to give you the job
you have to use. .
what y0u've got.
- Where are we going? - To the ball place, where you said.
Alice, it's a major international event. They don'tjust let anyone in.
Listen, girl, you can talk the talk. Now y0u've got to walk the walk.
What does that even mean?
You want to hang out with these people, y0u've got to look the part.
Oh, no way.
When I first discovered the phallus, it was buried deep in frozen ground.
0f course, they're always harder to spot when it's cold, aren't they?
Great opening joke. Do you think I should say penis or phallus?
Either one is perfect, coming out of your mouth.
Time for a bit of mingling, I think. Ah, Stanley...
Come on, Mike. There's someone I want you to meet.
- Who is it? - Oh, for the love of. ..
Will you get out here now?
- Well? - That's better.
Professor Prince, may I introduce Boris and Mrs Aaronovsky?
Boris has been very generous in his support for the university.
And Mrs Aaronovsky has already opened herself upto several academic charities.
Excuse me.
Mike!
That man is the future. He's ready to put a lot of money into your department,
so you'll be spending a fair bit of time with him.
Great. He seems very nice.
- This better work. - Trust me
I know how this story goes.
Once we get to the ball, you find your Mr Prince, let him see your dress,
smile nicely and tell him how smart he his.
- And then, you see what happens. - Alice. . .
this is my life we're talking about. It isn't some children's fairytale.
You've got to be joking.
Hello?
0h. Sorry, thought you were someone else.
- Hello. - Hello.
- Getting nervous about your speech? - No, I never get nervous.
- Any butterflies? - No, I never getjumpy before a speech.
-Prof. Prince has a wonderful speech lined up. -Well, I hope so.
- So, getting a little bit nervous? - No, I never get nervous before a speech.
- Good luck. I bet you're very frightened, ya? - I'm not nervous OK? God.
Thank you very much.
Next, please.
Name?
What?
Well, that's just great! I've got trussed up like an oven ready chicken for nothing.
Well, sometimes you have to set a chicken to catch a fox.
Never mind a bloody fox. How do I get past the two dragons on the door?
Dragons, hmm. Well, that's a bit of a tricky one.
Oh, brilliant.
So what am I supposed to do now?
I suppose I could make you invisible.
- Shall we get going? - Yeah.
I just need some air.
- Two minutes. - Yes, I know.
Look.
There he goes.
Off you go, I'll wait here.
Are you sure this is just about the job?
- Of course, what else? - Nothing. It's just that...
just something in your face...
but I'm just a crazy old lady.
Go on. Go.
Wait!
Now, don't forget. Be nice.
Smile sweet.
And try not to tell him he's a damn fool.
Thanks, Alice.
- Wait! - Oh, God!
Good luck.
- Professor Prince? - Yeah, I'll be there in a minute.
Oh, it's you.
You look. ..
Nice outfit.
- Nice shoes. - Thanks.
So, how come you didn't you turn up for the interview this morning?
- What? - The interview, where were you?
I was there.
Professor Brooks said... you didn't put me on the list.
No, no, that's rubbish. Brooks told me that...
Let's do it now.
- What? - My interview.
We could do it now.
- What, here? - Why not?
Sure. Okey.
So, tell me, what makes you think you would make a good research assistant?
Well, um...
- Obviously, I've read your book... - Obviously.
And well, at first there were some things I didn't agree with...
- No! - Well, yeah, but...
I realise now that I was wrong. I mean, it's like you said,
you've done all the research and got all the qualifications and everything.
You're a very important man. I mean, of course you're right.
I see that now.
And, well, I just want the chance to learn from you and...
help you with your important work.
- Are you all right? - Not really.
These shoes are killing me.
Come on.
It is complete travesty. I am by far the cleverest candidate.
For goodness sake, Phoebe, it's not the end of the world. There'll be other research posts.
Yeah, cheer up, Phoebes, it's a party.
- I think you wanted her to get it. - Nonsense.
I think you planned the whole thing.
- Phoebe, that is just not true. - You've always liked her best.
Phoebe...
Phoebe, I have always treated all my research students the same, pretty or plain alike.
Anyway, it's all water under the bridge.
Once the money comes in, you can have your pick of the jobs,
nothing can go wrong now.
- It's show time. - Where is he?
Here.
So where were we? Oh, yes, you were telling me about how important I am.
You know what?
I can't do this.
What?
I mean, all that stuff in your book about men. You know, "Worship the men". I mean,
even the title, "It's A Man's World", I mean...
what a load of bollocks.
- Are we still doing the interview? - See, see, right,
you reckon Homo Sapiens survived when Neanderthals died out
because they were better at hunting, right?
Yes, yes. I suppose you could say I reckoned that.
See, right, I did some more reading.
There's a bit of the brain that looks after language.
I think it's called the Broca region, anyway, it's bigger in women mind.
So I cross-referenced the cranial fragments from the, is it, um, the...
the Garonne Valley?
Anyway, with the carbon dated catalogued pieces excavated in the Dnieper Delta,
and I compared both of the Broca regions... It's just...
It's females that beat the Neanderthals, not the men.
The Garonne Valley?
Cranial fragments? Where are you getting this stuff from?
Either "OK!" or "News of The World", I can't remember.
Which way? Um...
Alice?
Alice!
We're looking for Professor Prince, yah?
Which way did he go?
Professor Prince?
Right, okey, she...
So what about my Aurignacian phallus?
If you're right, how do you explain him?
- I can't. - Hm, can't.
It's a shame.
It wasn't a bad little theory you had going there for a while.
So what do you think?
I think you still smell of bleach.
- Sorry. - No.
I still like it.
I thought we were having an interview?
Yeah, but...
What did you think we were doing?
Look, I've got to go.
I really want to see you again.
I don't think he's up here.
Oh, my God!
I am so glad I didn't wear that other dress.
I would totally have clashed with that girl.
- That's him! - What?
Where?
But what about the job? I mean... Your research assistant.
The job's going to Fenola.
- I'm announcing it after the speech. - But I thought...
No, look...
the thing is...
I kind of have to give it to her.
It's complicated... But, I mean,
you don't want this job anyway. Who wants to go to bloody Borneo for five years?
I do.
- I thought you did, too. - No, no, no look...
I'm not saying I wouldn't love to, but...
but you've got to understand, this is the real world. I have many other responsibilities.
There's a promotional tour, PR, interviews.
After I deliver this lecture, things are really going to...
We're talking about millions of pounds here.
- And what about anthropology? - That is anthropology.
Yeah, I suppose it is.
You know, you talk about science and ideas and bloody Einstein,
but when it comes down to it...
it's all about money. And you don't want some assistant.
You just want some pretty, posh girl who sticks her tits out
and tells you how clever you are.
I don't know what I was thinking about.
You know, in the real world, women like me, we
we don't get to have fun and interesting jobs.
You were right.
It is all about men.
Well, screw you, Professor Mike Prince,
and screw your stupid stone willy.
Mike!
What are you playing at? Everyone's waiting for you.
- What the hell was all that about? - You're worse than a child!
I'm going to have to hold your hand for the rest of the day!
- You know, you try to be nice to people... - Never mind that.
Let's start focusing on your presentation, before you get us all into trouble!
Good evening.
My name is Charlotte Brooks, and I'd like to welcome you all to the main event.
"It's a Man's World, Patriarchy and the Great Leap Forward", given by the man himself,
Professor H. Michael Prince!
Thank you. You know,
I was feeling a little nervous back there
then someone reminded me
why I'm here. Why we're all here.
We're hereto work as hard as we can at finding the truth,
and once we know we've found it,
we have to make damn sure everyone else gets in line behind us!
At least you didn't sleep with him. 0h, imagine that!
You'd be feeling 50 times worse.
Talk to him tomorrow. Maybe he'll have calmed down.
I won't be here tomorrow.
I'm packing it in.
I believe that Homo sapiens' great leap forward
is explained
by the Aurignacian phallus.
The worship of this male symbol
proves beyond any doubt
that upper Neolithic humans were a patriarchal,
male dominated society
whose development was driven by the males' superior hunting...
..superior hunting skills.
So we can say without any doubt,
it was men who made us what...
we are. ..made of.
It's a woman.
What's a woman? What are you talking about?
It's a woman.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure Professor Prince will resume his talk very shortly.
Don't you see? She was right.
Who was right? Mike, what the hell is going on here?
I've got to go.
Mike! Mike...I'm sorry.
- Mike! What are you doing? - I was wrong.
Are you insane? You're blowing £10 million worth of funding here, now get back up there!
When you're wrong, you're wrong.
You're not wrong, you can't be wrong.
- It's fine. - It's not fine.
No, I mean, it's OK. Ithoughtl would feelworse,
being wrong, being humiliated. But it's really OK!
OK, you're having a mental episode, some kind of
stress-related breakdown.
Let's get back up there, we'll sit down,
I'll tell Wolf to tell a couple ofjokes, keep the audience happy while
you recover your composure and get us the frigging money!
Where's the cleaner?
The cleaner?
Yeah, you know, the annoying one with the loud mouth.
Why?
- She's my new assistant. - What?
Fenola, come on!
Yes, get Wolf up there, get him to do a tight ten minutes.
Then tell the Vice-Principal we'll be back in by then, with the money.
..Uh, with Professor Prince.
You see, she was right. Her ideas about language.
- How women are in charge. - But that was my idea!
- What are you doing? - Yah. Don't you remember,
when I was explaining my theory to you that time
and Cindy was listening in, and asking all those questions?
That's right. It was her idea. Yah...
- But you agreed with my theory. - No.
She was the only one to tell me I was wrong.
I think you're wrong.
The only one with the nerve to tell me I'm a pompous fool.
I think you're a massive twat!
What? No. Wait. Hey!
Mike, come on, I mean...
..do you think a cleaner could come up with something that clever?
Fenola, you're a lovely girl, but you're full of shit.
- Are you going to let him talk to a member of your department like that? - No.
You're fired.
When the yellow bill parrot drop him papaya,
him always return to the Baobab tree.
- What? - When the yellow...
She's catching the ferry.
I mean, this won't affect our funding, will it? I'll just find another...
We can get an even bigger name for. ..
I think y0u've done enough for the department already, Lottie.
No, I've onlyjust start...
We're a small outfit here.
We're just holding you back.
I think it's time for someone else to run the department.
Someone with a little less... spunk.
Fifi, isn't it?
- Phoebe. - Ah, yes, Phoebe.
Tell me, um...
What do you know about running a paeleoanthropology department?
Um, well, only what Professor Brooks has taught me.
So bugger all, really!
Shall we?
Sorry, sir. Too late, I'm afraid.
But it's just there.
She's about to cast off.
- Better get the next one. - When IS the next one?
Tomorrow.
No! No, no, no, please.
I'm looking for a girl, I need to know if she's on that ferry.
Lovers tiff, is it? No, not exactly. It'sjust...
Look, it's really important that I find her. The rest of my life depends on it.
What's her name? I don't know.
We're not THAT close.
0h, it's you, thank God.
Hi... Um, you forgot your shoes.
- Keep them. - No, wait! Wait!
- You were right. - About what?
About everything.
About my theory, about your language thing,
about me being a pompous pillock.
My Neolithic penis isn'tjust a penis, it's a woman.
But I couldn't see that at first.
But it's a penis as well, but it just showed that they worshipped man and woman, in harmony, so that's...
So anyway, we were both right.
No, OK, wait! You win, you win.
You're right. You're completely right
and I'm wrong. And I'm an idiot.
But I want you to come away with me to be my assistant.
Partner!
We'll be the greatest academic team since the Leakeys.
Prince and... whatever you're called.
- In Borneo? - In Borneo? Yeah, sure,
but mainly the university and then there's the lecture tours and the book promotions and...
- No, thanks. - What?!
But why? I thought that's what you wanted.
- I never wanted that. - Why?
You know what?
Neither did I.
Forget the university.
I want you to come away to Borneo with me.
- Why? - Because you're right,
obviously, and because we could discover artefacts
and all manner of things. . . and mainly because...
. .y0u're 6|T|6Zi|’IQ.
And strange and scary and...
You're just so beautiful.
You're only saying that cos you saw me in this dress.
It's got nothing to do with your dress!
Oh, so you're saying I don't look good in it?
Yes! I mean, no. I mean, I don't know...
- Mellor. - What?
My name. It's Cindy Mellor.
I love you, Cindy Mellor.
By the way, your name -
what does the H stand for?
- No, no. I don't use it. - What is it?
My mother's German, she thought it was funny.
Come on.
Hans.
So you're. ..
Hans M Prince.
You've got to be joking!
transcript by UK Transcripts thanks to evarin
synch by ::Italian Subs Addicted:: www.italiansubs.net